Years back I tried to get on WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE. Had to traipse up to the ABC building somewhere around 65th Street where I was packed into a large room with a couple hundred other hopefuls. We took a written test, sat and waited while they were graded. Then, those with a sufficiently high score were asked to stay to be interviewed by someone from the show.

First time I went I flunked the test. I was mortified. But not defeated.

I went back at least six more times and each time passed through to the interview.

The interviewers, about half a dozen of 'em, sat at a line of tables and talked generalities with us. I'm almost proud to say that I never got past the interview. I mean, let's face it, I can be damn unpleasant in person. (As opposed to my devastatingly charming online persona.)

By the last time I was interviewed, I thought maybe I'd figured out how to fool 'em, figured how to play the game.  Felt pretty optimistic till I got a look at the guy at the next interview table: a retired Navy admiral in full dress regalia. With medals. I said to my interviewer, nodding toward the admiral, "I got a pretty good guess who's gonna be on the show very soon."

She didn't laugh and I failed again. That was the last straw.

Too bad. I coulda used a million bucks.